


Because I can't live with you nor without you

by moonislandfirefly (orphan_account)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Break Up, Depression, FTM Oikawa, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Trans Character, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, just sad teenagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2015-12-02
Packaged: 2018-05-02 03:58:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5233175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/moonislandfirefly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They got together in the middle of Kageyama's last year in Kitagawa Daichi. </p>
<p>They split in the end of Kageyama's first year in Karasuno.</p>
<p>They had a lot of happy moments in between. A lot of fights, too.</p>
<p>(mainly fights, though.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Colder than this morning

They got together in the middle of Kageyama's last year in Kitagawa Daichi. 

They split in the end of Kageyama's first year in Karasuno.

They had a lot of happy moments in between. A lot of fights, too.

(mainly fights, though.)  
~

Oikawa was getting out of his shower when his phone buzzed. He had no time to check it, since he was already late for his morning classes, but whatever, he thought. He was still dripping wet from his shower when he approached of his bed table. He picked up his phone, unlocked it, and opened the text. He quietly gasped as he saw the sender's name.

_From : tobio-chan <3333;p_

_We need to meet somewhere. Are you, by any chance, free this morning ?_

Oikawa squirmed from happiness. His Tobio-chan just texted him first (!), and since he could count on his fingers the number of times he did, Oikawa was melting inside. He quickly answered and ran to his cupboard for some clothes to wear

_To : tobio-chan <3333;p_

_wherever you want is okay ;ppp ill be ready in two mn <3 see ya babe_

_From : tobio-chan <3333;p_

_I am coming by your place, I will be there in a little less than 10 minute. See you._

'10 minutes is more than enough' Oikawa thought.

« Aaaah, I can't wait to know what he wanna talk about », he sighed out loud, crawling back in his sofa, now fully clothed but still a little wet.

Oikawa went down at due time, just a few seconds before his boyfriend appeared at the angle of the street. He wore that casual frown that was always splattered on his face, no matter what the brunette did (but Oikawa still found that cute though). A scarf was covering half of his face and his hand were stuffed in his pockets, as if to block the cold out. 

( _Cute._ )

Oikawa waved happily at Kageyama, who only nodded to salute his boyfriend. They started to walk side by side, cold air filling their lungs. It was in the middle of January, and the weather was awful. Neither of them was talking, and as the silence started to become awkward, the brunette decided to make the move.

“Sooo. How was your week ..?” tried Seijou's setter.  
“Oikawa-san.” interrupted Kageyama. “I want us to break up.”

( _Huh ?_ )

“Tobio.”  
“Oikawa-san.”  
“Do you really think that we could still call us a couple ? Or even ever call us a couple ?”

(Oikawa wanted to hide that Kageyama's sudden annonciation had thrown him off balance, even if that included being hurtful.)

“I... can't really agree there but...”

(The young boy was now unsure, troubled.)  
( _Nice._ )

“So, what makes you want to end to our relationship ?” the brunette asked lightly, airquoting 'relationship'.  
“I- um... I don't love you any more.”

( _Obviously._ )

“Plus, there is this someone that I appreciate very much that confessed to me earlier this week, and I told them that I couldn't answer to them immediately. Because I wanted to tell you before.”

“So what ? You're done then. We're done.” let out Seijou's setter.

Seeing that his boyfriend, hum, ex-boyfriend, wasn't moving a muscle, he added (a little too bitter to his taste):

“What do you want else from me ? Congratulations ? We're over, Tobio-chan. O-V-E-R. Over.” 

The raven backed up a little at the words.

“I... Of course we're over. I'm done. So just, huh... Goodbye Oikawa-san”

And so he turned over and started walking in the opposite direction of Oikawa's appartment, leaving the latter a little breathless.

( _So cold, Tobio-chan. Colder than this morning, even._ )  
( _You're so cold, yet so beautiful._ )  
( _So beautiful._ )  
( )  
( _Fuck it._ )

He ran.  
He ran to the raven.  
He ran, and crossed the road.  
He ran for a part of his life.  
He turned to the right after the corner of the street.  
He stretched out his hand to catch Kageyama's coat.  
He pulled him against his chest.  
He whispered in the younger setter's ear.

**I hate you so much.**

Oikawa turned him over and crashed his lips against Kageyama's.

( _Fuck._ )

The kiss was short-lived, but intense, restless, rough. Almost nostalgic.

The brunette was the first to pull away. He couldn't stand it much longer.

“It's Shrimpy-chan, isn't it.”

That wasn't even a question. Oikawa hated how weak he sounded. Affected. Broken.

“Yeah.”

(…)

“Goodbye, Oikawa-san.”


	2. Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were so fucked-up.

“What the hell am I doing now ?” Oikawa whispered to himself.

He felt so empty, he didn't even know. He didn't go to his morning classes (he skipped the entire day, actually) and now he was on his bed, sitting for now something like five hours. He wasn't crying, just _empty_. His back was sore from resting on the wall too long, and his legs were numb. A volleyball rested between his arms. The one Kageyama gave him a while ago.

(Sad songs were echoing through his mind.)

(As well as Kageyama's voice.)

( _“Oikawa-san, I want us to break up.”_ )

( _He wants us to break up_.)

(“ _I don't love you anymore_.”)

( _He doesn't love me anymore_.)

( _He doesn't love me_.)

(...)

( _Did he ever love me_?)

( )

( _Did I ever love Tobio_ ?)

Realization hit him like a train wreck.

“Did I ever love him ?”

Once again, his voice was broken, hoarse.

Tears started running down his cheeks.

“...-”

 

 

~

 

_His day was shitty. Fucking anxiety attacks. He couldn't breathe. The bandages around his chest were too tight. People had been purposefully misgendering him all day. He was babbling nonsense. He felt physical pain. His room felt so empty yet so small. And Tobio wasn't answering._

To : tobio-chan <3333;p

hey baby, I really miss you and id love to see you soon. please reply. Ily

To : tobio-chan <3333;p

babe ?

To : tobio-chan <3333;p

please babe answer

_His phone fell on the ground. His hands were shaking so much. “F-fuck, please Tobio-chan, please, please. I, fucking need, y-, youu ! Agh-!” Spasms now. He was gonna throw up, he was-_

_“Oikawa-san ?”_

_The brunette jumped in surprise at the sound of the voice._

_“Oikawa-san are you okay?”_

_Tobio came._

_Oikawa broke out in tears._

_“Haaa-, I'm so-, so-sorry, T-Tobio, I didn't-, I can't...”_

_A second passed. And then thin yet strong arms circled him and locked behind his back. Oikawa's sobs grew stronger as he felt Kageyama kissing his cheeks, his mouth, his nose, his forehead, his eyelids, his neck. Everything was so sweet. That hurted. He hugged his boyfriend back and pulled him closer. The younger setter squeezed him in response._

_“Shhhh, Oikawa-san, it's okay. It's nothing. Calm down, please. Please. You're okay. We're okay.”_

_The older setter's laboured breathing slowed down a little as Kageyama held him close to his chest._

_“We're fine.” Whispered the raven again._

_Oikawa felt his shirt being removed, quickly followed by the ace bandages. He (finally, finally) took a deep breath, the air filling his lungs, [and that felt so good]. (New tears rolled down his cheeks.) His boyfriend hugged him once again, softly whispering 'you're okay' in repeat._

_Oikawa honestly wasn't. Since the moment his chest stopped being compressed, dysphoria started consuming him (again). He hated himself, and he hated his body, and he hated these breasts, and why was Tobio still here, why was he still his boyfriend, and how wasn't he disgusted seeing him bare-chested..._

_“Stop. You're overthinking again.” Frowned Kageyama._

_“I love you, okay ?” Choked out the brunette. “You're wonderful, and I don't deserve you, and I'm so... (he took a deep breath) sorry, okay ?”_

_The younger smiled (a tiny smile, just a quick upturn of his lips, but that was enough to make Oikawa feel special)._

_“You need to rest, Oikawa-san, and so does your body. You are handsome, even without binding. So please take care of yourself.”_

_Oikawa let out a chuckle, and rested his head on Kageyama's shoulder._

_“Sleep, now.” The raven's tone was fond._

_Just before falling asleep, Oikawa took a glimpse of anxiety on his boyfriend's face._

_They were so fucked-up._

_Tangled on the ground._

_Clothes thrown around._

_It was getting dark..._

_He was so fucked-up._

 

~

 

“... Of course, yes.”

He breathed in and out, twice, and then he got up. He really needed to get out of here, or else he'd do things a lot more stupid and harmful than just slowly melt of sadness on his bed.

He took his phone and called the first person he got in mind : Sugawara.

The grey-haired setter responded almost immediately.

\- Tooru ? Tooru are you okay ?! Sugawara asked, sounding very worried.

\- Suga-chan, whispered Oikawa. I don't even know where to start. I am okay, though. I think.

(Maybe)

Karasuno's setter let out a small sigh.

\- Good, then. Good.

\- Koushi, I... We-

\- I know, he interrupted. Kageyama's here. We've been talking for a while and...

There was a small silence then-

\- I'm sorry, I have to go right now immediately, said the brunette.

\- Tooru don't you _dare_ throw memes at m-

End of the call.

That was a terrible idea.

Both to call Suga and hang up like that.

...

He really didn't know what to do now.

( _I could go to Iwa-chan's place_ )

( _Like I used to_ )

( _whenever_ )

( _something_ )

( _was_ )

( _wrong_ )

But he was so tired. Way too tired. He couldn't bring himself to walk ten minutes to go to his bestfriend's.

( _I'm such a slump_ )

It was mainly because Tooru was not ready to hear what Hajime had to say to him about this relationship.

( u s e l e s s )

His chest started to feel heavy, his head got light, the colors went too bright and he fell on the ground, unconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhh im slow and late and sorry and ilu

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo this is going to be a multi-chaptered fic, I'm still writing and im pretty busy but I'll try to update as often as possible  
> COMMENTS GIVE ME LIFE SO GO AHEAD ILU ; U ;


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